How to move on from someone you never dated? It’s a question that lingers in my mind at 2 am. I don’t normally write things about dating on my blog. But, I am sure some of us have been in this situation-ship before. Sometimes it’s the “almost relationships” that are the toughest to let go of.
Why? Because of the seductive promise of potential. The unwritten future. The lingering what-ifs. Wondering what could have been. It’s a painful abbreviation of something like love that never had a chance to grow into more.
I feel like Carrie from Sex and The City, to always write her articles based on what she has been through. I hope I don’t bore you with my personal experience.
Back in mid-2019, I was facing a lot of life challenges and not looking for love. But then, I met someone on the Hinge app that I forgot I had. His message was nice and we hit it off quickly. Unfortunately, I did leave the country to face my problem and I didn’t think we will meet up.
To my surprise, we didn’t stop chatting and our daily conversation turned into daily video calls. Eventually, he came to visit me twice in Jakarta. That was the first time I felt so special in a long time. A stranger flew to another country to have a date with me, it was romantic.
Then in early 2020, I had to move to China for work and he said he would visit me, but I have noticed some distance and changes in our communication frequency. Even though for him it was a relationship, the term long-distance relationship never came up. We never said we were exclusive, we never said the three magic words. We had a few overseas dates and intimate moments but that was it. Perhaps to him, I was just another girl that could be a potential?
The feeling stuck with me and it was never easy for me to just get another guy as a rebound especially in the mid of pandemic. I got attached easily and it’s hard to forget the memories. We stay as friends and still very flirtatious from time to time. I found out that he had his rebound girl and currently back on the Hinge app to get another potential. It’s heartbreaking and I know that this day will come sooner or later.
There is a way out of this messiness, though, and it involves a conscious effort to release the “what-ifs” and move forward with purpose.
According to what I know, read, and watched, here are a few ways to move on from someone you never dated.
1. Stop Blaming It on Bad Timing
Blaming bad timing can be alluring because it means that perhaps in the future, there will be good timing and you two can finally be together! This feels like a surmountable hurdle, one worth waiting for, and that’s why it can keep you stuck.
The hard pill to swallow here is that in almost all cases, “bad timing” really just a symptom of incompatibility and/or mismatched priorities.
The more-than-likely truth is that “bad timing’ was masking other more uncomfortable realities like commitment issues, emotional unavailability, or a just-not-that-into-you situation.
– Lauren Weisenstein
Trust that the fact that you’re not with this person is enough information for you to know it wasn’t right. If it were right, you’d be together. Pandemic or no pandemic. Closed border or open border.
So the faster you can accept that bad timing was very likely not the reason you’re not with this person, the more easily you will be to close this chapter and move on.
2. Stop Checking In on Them
Casually keeping in touch with this person that you’re still not over are keeping you stuck in the mire of false hope. Checking in on them and making assumptions about what their life is like now is slowing down your moving-on process.
Allowing them to contact you or check in on your life at their convenience is keeping you from being able to fully heal and move on. It’s like tearing the scab off a wound over and over.
When you have/had feelings for someone, it’s really hard to move forward when some part of you is still clinging onto what they’re thinking about you.
There is wisdom in the notion “out of sight out of mind”. Do yourself the favour of taking this person out of your sight for a while so that you can heal.
If it’s necessary, you could unfollow or mute or block them so then you aren’t tempted to check up on them. Those acts aren’t mean, it’s self-love and self-preservation. It doesn’t have to be this way forever, only until you can get to a point where you truly feel like you’ve moved on.
3. Let Yourself Be Sad
Sometimes the reason why is it hard for you to move on from someone you never dated is that you don’t give yourself permission to grieve them.
You think, “Well, we never dated so it would be pathetic to be really sad over it, right? Not true.
People that we never “date” can still have a significant effect on us whether you knew them for 4 months or 2 years. You don’t need a label or a long time to develop strong feelings for someone.
Give yourself permission to feel however you are feeling, and eventually the emotions will lose their charge and you’ll be one step closer to emotional freedom over this person.
I cried my eyes out but my mistake was I still texted him when I miss him. Don’t do that. Have higher self-esteem!
4. Make an Honest List of What You Liked & Disliked About Them
Another way to move on from someone you never dated is to create a pro & cons list. Which I remember from watching How I Met Your Mother. The character Ted Mosby always makes this list after painful breakups.
This step accomplishes a couple of important things. First, by listing the good qualities, you can begin to understand what drew you to this person. In doing so, you’ll likely realise that these qualities are not unique to this one person. They are not the last person on earth who has the qualities you like.
Second, listing what you disliked, or what didn’t work with this person helps to ground you back into reality. You might realise that you were a lot less compatible than you thought. Don’t settle with things you disliked.
5. Stay Busy & Work Towards What You Want
Avoidance is not helpful in terms of healing but doing your best to keep your mind off of the situation can lessen your pain and help you to move on from someone you never dated. One great way to do this is to stay busy and focus on other parts of your life that you want to advance.
We could focus on work, family, and friends. We could also focus to become a better version of ourselves. Get that beauty treatment you always want to try, get fit, and improve your skills.
One last thing, remember that there is no “right” timeline for healing. You can take as long as you need to get over someone. Sometimes it takes a long time, maybe longer than makes logical sense to you. That’s okay.
You don’t have to do all of them at once, but the more you do, the more successful you will be at moving on. I am doing it right now, at this moment.
Putting your heart on the line and developing feelings is never a shameful act. Getting over anyone, even an “almost relationship”, is tough. But trust that you’ll come out the other side. Trust that you will find love again.
Special thanks to the author. This blog post is based on Lauren Weisenstein ‘s article. Image is by Rawpixel
